Today was supposed to be one of the happiest days of our lives.
Today we were supposed to welcome you into our family - to hold you close and meet you for the first time. To rejoice that you were finally here. To gaze into your eyes and shower you with love. To give you a name and decide who you looked most like.
Today I was supposed to cuddle you close. Breathe in that newborn baby smell. Count your fingers and toes and look at your perfectly formed body. Nurse you for the first time.
Today you were supposed to wrap your tiny hand around your daddy's finger and see that look of pride and love on his face as he held you.
Today you were supposed to meet your sisters and brother. They would have been so excited to see you and hold you. They would have showered you with love.
Today our family was to be complete.
But today was not meant to be.
There will be no meeting you for the first time. No cuddling. No deciding who you look like. No faces full of pride and joy. No nursing. No siblings holding a new baby.
Instead today is a day of sorrow. Of wondering what could have been. Of wishing that things could have been different. Of reflection.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. And even though I only knew about you for a short time, you will always be in my heart and I will love you forever. And some day I will get to meet you and hold you in my arms - just not the way I wish it could have been.
1 comment:
Thank you for sharing this! Brought over flowing tears... Glad that some do not understand this feeling, but wish they could somehow understand how hurt/sad/abandoned mommies feel not just on the special day, but EVERYDAY. Love you Alicia!
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